When I found out I was pregnant I lovingly rubbed my stomach and imagined the beautiful relationship I was going to have with my child-to-be, birds tweeted and blossoms bloomed in my rose-tinted vision of child giggles and hand-holding happiness. I knew exactly what kind of relationship I was going to have with my child. It was going to be full of hugs, good night sleep and one where my child felt able to come to me with all his/her questions and problems. My child would learn from my wisdom and off we would trot into the sunset with bunnies hopping beside us. La di da…
And then I went to “Borders” and picked up a few books for new parents.

Here are just a few of my favorite testimonials of brand spanking new parents:

• “I was so tired I actually tried to breastfeed Bob’s arm one night” (Bob is her husband, no her baby)
• “When our first daughter was born I was so exhausted I couldn’t keep it together at work. I though my boss was going to come in and find me passed out on the keyboard. Things got so bad that I told my wife I had to go on a business trip to Glasgow. There was no business in Glasgow. But I took a day off work, flew to Glasgow, checked into a hotel, and got a full night’s sleep. It was heaven. I’m not really proud of lying to my wife, but it was a question of survival. I just couldn’t take it anymore.”
• “I thought I’d be fabulously stylish and a quintessential Earth Mother at the same time. That was before I realized I’d only be showering every second or third day.”
• “A few weeks after the baby was born, I ventured out to buy a pizza. I returned an hour later with no pizza and no idea why I’d left the house in the first place.”
• “One time I fell asleep with the gas rings on while sterilizing bottles. I awoke God knows how much later to the smell of burning plastic and a hazy smoke filling the house. I grabbed the baby and ran to sit in the car while we waited for the fire engine. The really funny part was when I did the same thing again two weeks later.”
• “One night I dreamed the baby was in bed with us, but had fallen out. I awoke in a panic and started ripping the sheets off the bed looking for her until my husband wearily pointed out she was sound asleep in her cot in the other room.”

Ok… so maybe I’ll be a bit tired and all.. but surely I can still have bunnies and the sunset? No?