I am a big fan of “living in the moment” and “being in the now”, which are all great excuses for being disorganized and not planning ahead. I do not plan unless my OBGYN puts a gun to my head and gives me a form with big fat VBAC written on it. Vaginal Birth After Cesarean - makes me shudder just thinking about it, but that’s what I wanted… at least those were my immediate thoughts after I had Leila. I wanted to have a VBAC with my second baby and be all:
I thought Leila will be a regular delivery – nobody in my family has ever had a C -section and there were no signs indicating that I might need one. After 20-hours of labor I don’t remember much… I think somebody said: “9cm! You are almost there!”… only we didn’t know that would be the last cheerful thing said in my delivery room. The short celebration was interrupted by the paralyzing sound of the monitor indicating somebody’s dropping heart rate… was it mine? Was it hers?… I would have asked but within seconds there was a doctor putting a mask on my face and getting really close: “honey, I need you to listen, ok? I need you to breath. I really need you to breath…” I don’t think I was, because the machine got louder and I literally saw the blood leaving my doctor’s face as she now yelled “take deep breaths! Really deep breaths for the baby!” The baby?…It was the baby…my baby. I saw Dennis disappearing behind what looked like a crowd of medical staff, I heard the doctor rushing the nurses “we don’t want to lose this baby…”, the monitors, the paging overhead, the moving lights in the sealing…no, that was me moving. I was being moved to the OR… I think. I felt nothing. I wasn’t breathing. I tried as hard as I could but my lungs felt like rocks.
“I don’t think she can hear us… but she is blinking.”
“Call the nurse, find out her husband’s name”
“Dennis”, I said “his name is Dennis”
“Call Dennis in”
There he was – red eyes and pale as a ghost. I knew his name. I’ve never seen that look before but I knew it, I understood…I wanted to tell him I’m ok, but I couldn’t. Not enough air. The baby cries. Somebody puts her cheek next to mine… so incredibly soft… I lost it. I lost it all. I broke down, I sobbed, I cried… and cried and then cried some more for the next 3 months. It was the worst and the best day of my life.
I will be honest – I didn’t read much about C-section before I went into labor, I never spoke in detail about it with anybody who had it, I didn’t prepare. I was SURE it will not happen to me… Trust me, I roll my eyes with you as I type this. That’s a whole new level of ignorance, irresponsibility and just plain stupidity. Surprisingly, the recovery was fast with no complications.
Needless to say that this time around I had extra motivation to do my homework. I have an option to either go with a VBAC or do a repeat cesarean section. I’m not going to bore you with all the details, pros and cons and my two long conversations with the new OBGYN who mostly deals with VBACs, but we have made up our minds. I know it will be disappointing to some of you, however we have decided to go with repeat cesarean (for now… I still have time and not closing any doors). Elective repeat cesarean is no vacation in Hawaii and has it’s own risks – we just picked what seems like a lesser evil at this time. Could this all go very very wrong very very fast? Of course, it can. I just can’t think about it anymore. For the sake of my own sanity I need to stop reading about “worse case scenarios”, I need to stop feeling guilty about somehow the first C-section being all my fault… and just for now I need to go back into my safe place of living in the moment… I need to cross my fingers and just let myself believe. I have to.
I was exactly the same as you: I never thought it would happen to me, so I didn’t prepare for it either. Though I don’t think that makes us stupid or irresponsible, because I doubt there’s a real way to “prepare” for an emergency c-section.
In my case, I do think it might have been prevented. He was just in the wrong position, and had I not taken the epidural at 6 cm (Oh my God the back labor was AWFUL), had I moved more, he might have slid into the right position and been delivered naturally. But I don’t beat myself up for it, though I was crushed at the time. Now I just remind myself that unlike my vaginal birth sisters, I have nether regions that have never been stretched or torn and hey, that’s pretty cool.
We’re all trained somehow to view c-sections as a bad thing. And yes, there are way too many these days that are most likely brought on by early intervention from doctors and medicine, mine included. But then I hear a story like yours, a terrifying story of what might have turned into a tragedy, and I then I think c-sections are nothing short of a miracle.
So give yourself a break. I promise you baby number two will NEVER come up to you and say “How could you? How could you deprive me of being crushed and pushed through your vagina? You must not love me!”
Bex´s last blog ..Winter Wonderland
I had a scheduled c-section and I think it will be much easier for you since it will be planned. Recovery might be harder since you have a toddler too (I’m sure you remember it takes 1-2 weeks to be able to bend over easily) but it will be a short procedure and won’t have that emergency scariness of your first delivery. Try to get it scheduled for the earliest possible time…I had to not eat for far too many hours beforehand. Don’t they know that pregnant women need to eat?!? Oh, and take some stool softeners starting a few days before to help (cough) speed things along.
Stacey´s last blog ..American Idol: Top 10 guys perform
My sister had a scheduled c-section the first time round because of the baby’s position. Undeliverable in the crazy position the baby was in, unless the opted to break my sister’s pelvis and stetch her legs wide apart like Gumby so they could deliver the watermelon sideways.
She opted, like you, to have her second child delivered by elective C-section. She and her oby-gyn carefully weighed the pros and cons, and decided that repeat c-section was the safest option for her and the baby, second-time round as well.
Neither kid, to date, has held their c-section delivery against her!
For what its worth, in your shoes, Daiva, I’d do the same.
I know the feeling of being disappointed with how your childbirth went (and the accompanying feelings of ridiculousness for feeling anything but joyful and thankful for that healthy, adorable, squishy baby in your arms). I had no reason to believe I’d deliver via c-section either. Turns out I have cephalopelvic disproportion which means I’ll never be able to deliver a child vaginally. And it really sucks to not have a choice in the matter.
It sounds like you’ve put a lot of thought into your decision and decided on what is best for you and your family and that’s all you can really do. There are some pros (which I always remind myself when I get down about this issue): you get a longer stay in the hospital which means some extra help. You won’t have the painful labor pains to look forward to. You’ll know your child’s birthday well in advance and can plan for the big day and not worry about a last minute scramble. You might not be as exhausted right after so it’s a little easier to be in the moment when they lay that little baby in your arms. I can know what day I need to take off work to get my butt to your hospital… :p
Anyway, here’s to getting back to your regularly scheduled living in the moment.
it’s such a personal decision. try not to let other people get you down and just rejoice in the fact that you’re bringing a beautiful new baby into the world regardless of which “door” you choose
MommyNamedApril´s last blog ..Cookies! Everything is Better with Cookies!
I have no experience to share with you. ..but this is the scariest blog-post that you have ever written. I will have all of my fingers crossed for you and will keep thinking about you, girl. Hugs and kisses.
I am due March 20th and I am preparing for a vaginal delivery. However, I have my options open and if C-section is needed – it is OK and I will not beat myself / feel guilty for not being able to give a natural birth. I asked my doctor what should I know about C-section and how should I prepare – so she told me that the only thing I have to know is that they have all the expertise and staff to do as many C-sections at once as needed. I can hardly imagine how can you prepare for an emergency C-section.
If I were in your shoes, I would make the same choice you did – it is all about your baby’s and yours health. If you will be worrying about either you have made a good choice or not – the baby will feel that stress too:) So give him/her and yourself a break and enjoy your pregnancy! It does not make you a bad mother if you are not able/choose not to give a natural birth or can’t/choose not to breastfeed.
March 20th is just around the corner! Will definitely be thinking of you!
Before the twins I had all vaginal births. I didn’t know what to expect and I was really scared. Some people talk about it like it’s the golden ticket, but for me it was hell.
We can plan our births down to the last detail, but they rarely go as planned. Don’t beat yourself up. If need be I’ll be on the first jet down there to hold your hand… and watch the free cable that the hospital provides, but mainly to hold your hand.
Hugs and Mocha,
Stesha
Stesha´s last blog ..Birthday Reactions
Wow! That birth story gave me the chills! You are so brave. Thank goodness Leila is healthy today! And you know what? If you feel more comfortable with another C-section, go for it! You have to do what you feel okay with.
Old School/New School Mom´s last blog ..Teaching Colors to a Color-Indifferent Toddler
You are right… all of you… and incredibly kind. Thank you.
I could have written the same comment as Bex did up above. I’m a 4-time c-section mommy – 2 planned, 2 not. And in an effort to comfort you, I want to tell you that my scheduled c-sections rocked – I recovered so much more quickly from them than from the unplanned ones.
Good job looking at the options and deciding and planning for what will work the best for you. HUGS
Amber´s last blog ..What is it about having a baby…
The best birth plan is the one that relieves your stress and gives you the calmness to enjoy your pregnancy and just allow you to get excited about your new baby. Do your thing, no worries, no apologies.
Lisa´s last blog ..Another ordinary day
Oh Daiva, some days I think we were separated at birth. For what it’s worth, that first c-section was NOT your fault. I felt the same way after mine — which was also emergency, after 18 hours of labor. But I eventually came to realize that my doctors were being generous even letting me be in 18 hours of labor, because I insisted on it so much I probably threw a few tantrums. I had severe pre-eclampsia and I really pushed the limit. By the time I had the section, I had been on magnesium sulfate (a ridiculous, terrible drug for the pre-e) so long that it made my uterus “floppy.” I bled so much my doctor later told me he was worried they were “going to lose” me. As a result I have the ugliest c-section scar ever because my uterus was so hard to close.
All of this is just TMI, I’m sure, but I say it to press the point that I pushed my luck, all in the name of delivering vaginally like some hero, because anything else was a failure. You know what was a failure? Not taking into account the risk the pre-e was posing to me and my baby. Caring so much about other people’s opinions. Thinking that a c-section is somehow a failure instead of a legitimate way to have a baby. THOSE were my failures, and I’ve come to terms with them now. I absolutely know for #2, if there ever is one, I will be repeat c- all the way. VBACs have serious dangers associated with them and I’m no longer trying to be a hero, just a mom. And you know what else? A year later, no one ever asks me how I delivered Annabelle — no one cares. So why did I care so much? She’s hear, and I don’t care how she got here… I’d be just as happy with her if the storks actually dropped her from above.
You are a real woman, an incredible mom, and your thoughtfulness about this whole process speaks to how much you care about your little bean in there. You don’t have to justify the c-section to ANYONE, you have to do what is best for you. No one who hasn’t gone through the emergency c-section terror can understand where you’ve been. Thinking of you with hugs! XOXO Abby
“I’m no longer trying to be a hero, just a mom” – I really love that.
Wow, I’m not even close to thinking about having babies, but this is too scary. A lot of my friends are pregnant and have these huge plans about what the births are going to be like, but maybe it’s bc I’m not there yet, but I don’t get the big deal – like, just do what feels natural to you – you can’t judge someone for the way they do something as personal as give birth! Right? Or am I just naive?
texpat´s last blog ..not breaking…….
I was saying the exact same thing before I had kids, probably because it is easier to see things clearly when you are not IN the situation. Now looking back and reflecting I get it – “whatever feels natural” and “gives you the calmness to enjoy your pregnancy” is the best birth plan. So you are not naive, you just don’t have the crazy mommy hormones messing with your brain… yet
I just made the same decision. After 22hrs of labor I had an emergency c-section. I chose to have another because a 60% success rate just didn’t give me warm fuzzies!
Keyona´s last blog ..For The Last Time
I had an unplanned c-section after about 20 hours of labor and a long plateau at 9.5 cm with my first as well, after I spiked a fever and the baby’s heart-rate dropped. I cried too, but I was too exhausted to protest. Recovery was twice as hard after so many hours of contractions and then major surgery. I also opted for a c-section with my second, the fear of having a repeat of the first experience (likely) and then a long recovery while caring for two kids was enough to keep me from risking a VBAC. Plus the term uterine rupture is enough to bring tears to your eyes. Don’t feel bad about it, and there is not as much judgment as you might fear, a lot of people have been in this boat. There was a time, not long ago, when both baby and mom would die if labor stalled. The crazies that think you are only a real mom/woman if you have given birth at home with no meds, are just that… crazy.
Annje´s last blog ..Bits and pieces
Great post! There is nothing wrong with a repeat Cesarean. Healthy baby delivered is the main thing. I’ve had both experiences and I think I’d rather have a painful stomach incision than a sore hoohoo. (Both sound terrible but we’re women hear us roar!) Just have lots of help the first week and I wish I would have stayed that 3rd night in the hospital with Ashley but supermom wanted to be home with her boys. Stay in the hospital that last night! Good luck with whichever you ultimately decide.
Dawn´s last blog ..The Great Divide
And that’s the great thing about having options- you can pick the one that’s the best for you. It sounds like we had VERY similar delivery experiences, only I was in labor for 13 hours. I can’t think of any other sounds scarier than that of your baby’s heart monitor going silent, followed by all those alarm bells. I never thought much about having a c-section before I went into labor either for the same reasons, but you do what you have to do and at the end of the day as long as everyone’s alive and well, that’s all that matters. My pregnancy was high risk (severe hyperemesis gravidarum), so we’re not going to have any more children, but if we did I personally would have chosen a scheduled c-section. They think that my daughter may have had a reaction to the pitocin, so I figured that hopefully we could avoid a repeat experience if we could avoid labor entirely. Good luck when the time comes! Hopefully round 2 will be much less traumatic!
No Princesses Here´s last blog ..And You Thought YOUR Family Was Nuts!
I just had my second c-section. I had planned on a vbac but just like my first ended in emergency c-section. I will say that I didn’t labor as long with my second and my recovery was amazing. My first was really hard, but with my second I was up walking that night. With my first I felt a lot of guilt and kind of cheated but for whatever reason I was so ok with the second. Were planning on a third and I plan on scheduling another c-section.
Awww, I know how you feel. 3 c-sections for me! You’ll drive yourself mad going over pros and cons. One good thing is that you can choose (somewhat) your baby’s b-day. My 3rd was born on 03-04-05, kinda cool huh? I got to choose that day – since he’s the 3rd I thought i needed something easy to remember!
jade´s last blog ..Writers workshop: “let he who hath no sin cast the first stone…