I am your typical skinny blond that hates her body 90% of the time (the other 10% is usually an alcohol induced self-love and admiration). I am a poster child for all imaginary body issues of this decade… and there is nothing more annoying than a skinny blond talking about how fat she is. Well, maybe a blond who writes about it…
I started this blog hoping it will help me talk less, because OMG people… my mouth is almost never shut – I am either talking or inhaling air in between my fantastic, captivating, jaw-dropping stories. And when you don’t hear me talking just know that there are at least two other stories being told by me in my head every waking moment of my day. I do, however, have a perfect 20×20 hindsight… which usually hits me like a smell of your local gas station restroom… you try to breathe through your mouth but then you start to taste it… and there is just no way out but to inhale the grossness.
There is a point in here… somewhere.
Two weeks ago we got a 50% off discount for the baby swimming classes and I decided to sign up. The price was right, the time was perfect and Leila loves anything water. Now… about that annoying skinny blond girl… I rarely if ever go swimming or to the beach because I would rather have a colonoscopy than wear a swimsuit in public… nonetheless, I signed up for the class knowing perfectly well that I will have to squeeze my imaginary fat ass into that swimming suit. I am pro a little curve and mostly don’t have issues with that… however, I can no longer eat cottage cheese without getting a clear visual of my thighs. I got it when I was 21 and no matter how much weight I have lost, like a good friend my cellulite is sticking around… and now that I have completely stopped exercising it is blooming like a field of cauliflowers all the way to my flabby ass.
The first two swimming classes went well. I think.
I got to meet a lot of great new mommy friends. I am sure.
Too bad I was too consumed with hiding my ass and coming up with embarrassing, self-paralyzing stories in my head (like..”nobody is going to remember my name they will just refer to me as a big-cellulite-ass-foreign girl… etc, etc) to even notice them… or remember their names… or listen… or enjoy my daughter swimming.
This week I ran into two of the moms from the class. Shockingly neither one of them referred to me as “a big-cellulite-ass”… in fact, there was no mention of my ass whatsoever. They both called me by name and asked me about Leila. I didn’t know their names and I surely did not remember the names of their kids. You think that’s not bad enough? They had to remind me where I know them from…
I am an ass…
Maybe not an ass, but definitely an individual who has body issues – and most women do (me included). I am not fat at all; however, I am still very mindful of what I am eating… and making sure I exercise. I want to look good. I don’t want people to think I’m unattractive… which is somewhat sad.
And I rarely get into a bathing suit. It just brings on the paranoia!
Good luck finding peace and acceptance with your body! I am sure you can at least get a little more comfortable with it – and maybe then you won’t be such an “ass.”
Melissa´s last blog ..the letter ‘H’
I have spent my entire life hiding not my ass but my thighs from viewers. Seriously, I was like the only 6 year old at the pool going “ohmygod I hope nobody thinks I’m the girl with enormous thighs!” This continues to this day. We should just form a support club of other ladies where we can all sit around and tell each other things like, “Your ass? Is terrific. Seriously.”
Beth´s last blog ..No More Bottles?
I’m right there with you on the body image issues. Most of the time I won’t even wear shorts, especially if there’s a good chance that we’ll run into someone we know. I’m working on it, only with the motivation that I don’t want to pass it on to Eva. I’ve been very conscience lately of not criticizing my body in front of her because I don’t want to be the one to teach her that. Body image issues suck.
I was just talking to a lady at my gym yesterday about how people from there never recognize us outside of the gym (and vice versa) because we look so different. I think that when you’re used to seeing a person in one type of clothing (gym wear/swim suits), you just tend not to look for them in places where that stuff isn’t worn (the outside world).
P.S. I saw that you found my “other” blog. It’s the one I told my family about and filter so that I can still use my “real” one to talk about my crazy mother from time to time.
Doesn’t matter to me which one you prefer, I just thought I’d clarify in case you were wondering why you were looking at 2 nearly identical blogs. 
No Princesses Here´s last blog ..Your Kid’s A Savant? Mazel Tov.
Same here. I haven’t worn a swimsuit in years!
“coming up with embarrassing, self-paralyzing stories in my head” – right on! It is all in our heads, isn’t it?
Everyone is too worried with her own ass to be critiquing yours — I guarantee it!
Jessica´s last blog ..You Ain’t Going Nowhere
I can totally relate… I am actually thinking of buying a 1 piece bathing suit for the beach… That is soooo like my mom… Maybe by tomorrow I will be in shape (said while eating another bon bon)
http://polwig.com
kathy@polwig.com´s last blog ..Play Dough II- Primary Colors
I love this post! And I completely get it. I hate talking to my clients about body image/eating issues because I am a total hypocrite! As always Daiva, thanks for your honesty and for making me laugh. And by the way, I love people who never stop talking! Cheers to that!!
To some extent all of us are “asses” at some point in our lives. Some are bigger and some are smaller. Sure that you know what’s more important for you: “To worry about your own ass or to be an ass…”
P.S. I think your ass is sexy and you are just a fine ass as well.
I am glad to know that I am not the only one whose extensive in-head conversations blot out all memory of real life sometimes…
Just thought I would let you know that I just stumbled across your blog, and got so hooked that I read back 16 pages.
Oh, the awesomness of you.
And, I gotta tell you. Jessica is right. If I met you at the pool (THE POOL…omg, no…I have not worn a bathing suit in years) I would definitely be more worried about my thunder thighs and downward pointing boobs to think about your cellulite.
Just sayin’…
Mailis´s last blog ..An Ill-Fated Easter Shoot…
Thanks so much! xoxo
As you well know I currently suffer from some serious body-hating issues. But I have promised myself that once I get back to my pre-baby body, I am going to flaunt that hot sh*t. Because I hated it back then, but now looking back I can think, damn, I looked good. One day you’ll look back at yourself now and think you were crazy for not loving your body. Still, I know it’s hard to fathom and we all have our insecurities. But I’d trade my body for yours any day of the week!
Bex´s last blog ..Celebrating Pesach