Holidays don’t bring out the best in me. Neither one of us really knows how to do any of the family traditions. After all the stress and yelling, laying on a bed of nails would have been more pleasant than sitting at my mother’s holiday dinner table. I still don’t know why she worked so hard at it – nobody in our family enjoyed it. I hated that my mother was so edgy around the holidays and I hated even more that my father didn’t care and never helped.
I am extremely conscious of the fact that I DO NOT want to become my mother. (My “mommy issues” could be a blog of itself.) If any of the holiday projects or preparations start to stress me out I just drop them because this is how mature people deal with problems and most importantly – I AM NOT MY MOTHER, DAMMIT.
I stopped celebrating my birthdays about 7 years ago. I remember I had a toga party, we had a blast, but the stress of preparing for it wasn’t worth it… not to me at least. At that time we were renting a little hole in the wall and I could invite only my closest friends (you know the ones that I don’t call by their Twitter name)… then after the party for months I had to listen to how so and so was upset because they were not invited… I also had to cook, which is a nightmare by itself on any given day. My birthday is coming up and none of you are invited… because I love you all equally.
We did not celebrate Leila’s first birthday, because I would start hyperventilating just thinking about invitations, the space needed for all the people, the ice sculptures, the Cirque Du Soleil etc, etc. I had this grand idea about making a photo book that we would do for Leila every year… but then Anne Geddes started criticizing all my picture choices, Maya Angelou cringed at my poetry… and I did what I do best – I quit. So proud of myself, because my mother? She would have totally pushed through it and did it anyway, because what would people say is she didn’t?!
I WAS going to do the whole Easter shebang – stuff the bunny, boil the eggs, buy the cute dress and take a million pictures for all of you to drool over… Well… this pregnancy I feel way more tired, Leila switched back to her “rock-n-roll all night and party every day” schedule and finally got sick this weekend, which canceled our outing with other kids. This shouldn’t have stopped me from doing the rest of the holiday activities, but Dennis wasn’t really into it and I was not going to stress and be the only one who cared. I was all, WATCH ME! I DON’T GIVE A SHIT EITHER! STOMP.STOMP.STOMP.
Except that I did. I always do. I want to have those memories and I want to build our own family traditions so bad… I just don’t want to be the only one who cares, who nags everybody, who makes things happen no matter what. Considering our background it is not going to come naturally to us and I am at a loss of what to do.
I suppose I could say something to Dennis… but then… nah, I will just withhold sex until he figures it out himself.
Good thing we took Leila to the Easter Egg Hunting Party last year… where she obviously had a blast:
How cute is that pic!! Maybe your holiday ‘traditions’ could involve drinking lots of holiday themed cocktails… just a thought.. hmmm
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As soon as I pop the second baby out we are going back to that particular tradition.
Loved the toga party!
The close friend
Hang in there, girl! At least you are celebrating with YOUR own family. Not the “must celebrate holidays” family.
Bwahaha! Exactly why I do not do Birthday parties. Family is all they need….
She looks like she rocked it hard at the party last year… Holidays tend to stress me out. All the preparation. All the expectations. All the people. It’s tough. I can do birthday celebrations better.
Good luck!
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Yeah, I’m not big on birthdays or holidays either. If we make the 16 hour drive up to my parents for the holidays then fine, we’ll celebrate. Otherwise it is low key with just a couple of presents. No Easter basket was set out for my daughter….she’s barely 1 so what does she care? I’ll save the stress for me when she is older
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LMAO @ witholding sex!
Don’t worry about building the traditions! Your family will find ways to make their own! And you will have lots of happy memories
P.S. I AM NOT MY MOTHER EITHER~
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So, do you want to know why we had an all-out shindig for Annabelle’s 1st birthday (if all-out really applies to renting out a craptastic Veteran’s Hall and hanging some streamers from the wood paneling)? Because, it takes THAT MANY PEOPLE (~65) to drown out the collective effects of our immediate family. Really. That is how many people I need to invite to ignore my MIL’s biting, insecure commentary, my own mother’s less-biting, but equally insecure neediness, my father’s ‘I’m old so I can say anything I want loudly and I don’t care who it offends!’ attitude, my mother’s horror that we call my dad’s de facto wife as “Grandma,” my sister-in-law’s whole being of inappropriateness, my brother’s constant state of drunken stupor… yep, you know…the whole shebang. So let me just say that I feel ya. I chose to spend half of January and all of February planning this soiree in order to avoid having the dreaded “family only” party. People kept asking, “Why not just invite the family?” (mostly our parents asked that, of course). Why not?? Let’s see: because THAT would NOT BE FUN FOR ANYONE! Particularly me!! So hang in there, honey. I completely get it and my absolute worst fear is also turning into my mom, who also makes terrible, no-fun holidays, mostly because she is a freaking nervous wreck. But the fact that we know we don’t want to be them will probably save us. I hope. I pray (well, not really). I beg the universe! Oh, and by the way, proof that I don’t exaggerate my family — one of my friends who’s never met my mom, but who hears a lot about her from me at work, came up to me at the end of the party and said, “I was standing in line for food behind a woman who was saying, ‘I am going to try to eat some of this, and hopefully I won’t die!’ and I thought to myself — ding ding, ding — that must be Abby’s mother!!!!” I laughed for days about that. xoxoxoxox
If Bert ever figures out what “normal” people do on holidays, he is going to think I am out of my mind and commit me to a home much earlier than expected. We don’t do the big stuff either. Our Christmas tradition is more like what most people do on any given weekend. Birthdays? There is cake because I love cake, or at least a trip to the Sonic if we’re short on time. I gave up long ago on trying to do the “normal” holiday traditions with the hope that our “non-traditions” bring happy memories for my kids…even if they just laugh at what a crazy person I was thinking I could get away with it. So, I admire you and support you! and….it gets easier with age (to still not do all of the hoopla, that is). You’re great!
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Fail? that sounds like success to me!
Yes, yes, yes: hate holiday stress, my mother was always “depressed” because of the holidays–it still drives me insane–I refuse now to spend any holidays with her, so, yes, issues with mother, yes on the no celebrating birthdays. I see the value of traditions, but I don’t think they have to be as big as we might imagine.
I usually celebrate the kids b-days and mine with our closest friends (one 4-person family). I have occasionally organized something big for my husband’s b-day or Thanksgiving, but then I am exhausted for years. I am moving to a country (Chile) where they celebrate b-days every year… and everyone and their dog comes. I am terrified and exhausted just thinking of it.
I don’t do Easter. I am not religious. I’ll give them a few chocolate eggs, but that is about it. We do drag a bag of plastic easter eggs all over the house for weeks though, that might be our new easter tradition–though it is not even easter-related.
Love the pic! You can tell she was totally thinking about how awesome her next easter was going to be…
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Just do what many have decided to do …. pick up the local paper and figure out what fun holiday events are hapening that OTHERS have stressed and planned out….Most are free, if not…I’m sure a small fee is worth it! Next, go to an all-you-can-eat buffet which most large restaurants have already planned for Easter Sunday, Thanksgiving, Christmas or most any other holiday! There’s your food & entertainment!
events “that OTHERS have stressed and planned out” – you are one smart woman, Leilani!
This is what I need to start doing! I love the idea of “down home” family holiday traditions, but that’s just not me. While we did do a big party for Alexa’s first birthday, it was not really worth it. While I’m thrilled to have the memory well documented, we ended up spending far more than if we had just bought her all the crap we wanted her to have (HAHA) and had a cake at home alone
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Oh….and for funnsies, if you look really hard…you can spot the ones who planned the event as they bite their nails on the sidelines watching you, to see if you are enjoying it…
Totally there with ya. Spent the few days preceding up to Easter feeling like a loser (this being the first year in 14 that I haven’t gotten baskets, etc. for the kids). Then I went to my parents.
And now somehow I feel much better about my achievements in motherhood and domesticity and happy family life…
It’s all good.
Maybe next year I’ll pull out a Martha Easter shindig.
Or maybe not.
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Oh, how I wish I lived closer to you so that after you have the baby we could sit down, have a drink (or 3) and commiserate over our mommy issues. I’m currently struggling with whether or not I should ever blog about them. My mother goes nuts at every holiday. Everything could be going smoothly and out of nowhere she’ll start screaming about something random. (I kid you not, one year it was over the direction that the napkins were folded.)
I’ve made it my mission to make holidays (as well as every other day) as stress-free as possible. I think I’m getting there. I’m with Leilani- public Easter egg hunts and holiday meals at a restaurant are the way to go if you can. That’s what we did this year and it took a huge load off of me.
You’re pregnant and tired AND Leila is still very young. Let yourself off the hook. There’s plenty of time to build family traditions.
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This made me so sad! It’s not a fail, not at all. It’s carrying our childhood baggage into our adulthood, knowing it, and being not sure exactly what to do with it.
I love making our own traditions (like going to SeaWorld on Christmas thus avoiding a day spent with MIL). And you WON’T be the only one who cares. You won’t. Because your husband, your daughter, and your baby-to-be? THEY will care. And love it. You won’t get all cranky and unpleasant because it’ll be what you want, and what’s right for your family.
Kids just want to be with you (until they become ungrateful teenagers, that is) and they don’t care what anyone else is doing.
So don’t put so much pressure on yourself – just do what you love, what YOU think is fun, and your family WILL care. I promise!
LOVE this blog, btw. I must visit more often! (darn kids getting in the way of my blog reading time!)
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With the first year party I took a similar but opposite tact to Abby (above): I had a friends only party. Fortunately my family has barely noticed that I had a kid so they weren’t too miffed (see also: mommy issues). For holidays we’re trying to forge our own traditions that don’t involve cooking or anything else unpleasant. We went to some public egg hunts, got take out on Christmas, and yup, we even did Thanksgiving in a restaurant.
BTW — some friends and I have long talked about starting a group blog for mommy issues. Like we all post our own mommy related stories and take in other people’s too. I’d be a repository for mommy issues. We want to call it “I Love My Mom, But…” You should join us!
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I AM IN! And looks like you could totally have half of my readers with that kind of blog.
I have a similar philosophy. Basically I tackle a holiday, etc if I feel it will please ME. If I am not pleased, at least vicariously, it doesn’t happen. I don’t regret it either.
that said my husband and I dyed eggs, because it pleased me to. Then I handed an empty plastic egg shell to Gunnar who threw it at me. And that was easter. Way less stress than eating my mom’s over cooked lamb and dodging my Mafia Grandma.
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I love to entertain and I still fear re-creating my childhood holidays of 7 people that don’t really like each other sitting around the same table we were around last weekend except now we have a full day of Turkey and bitching in addition to an exhausted and neurotic parent to can’t relax because there is some unseen dust bunny and so and so forgot to bring the rolls. Holy Crap! only in my nightmares.
After six years of bad outcomes we have finally found a style that works for us. We kept what we liked, got rid of the rest (including people) and added a few things too. There were ruffled feathers but in the end no gone really cared as they just come to poke at the kids anyway.
If all else fails you can get really good travel deals around the holidays and make that your family “tradition”. Good luck out there.
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I TRY so hard to make holidays special and no one cares!!! Obviously my girls are too little to really understand whats going on… At least Avery is excited about the toys in her basket and OMG SHE LOVES PLASTIC EGGS!
But my husband…. he only cared that I didn’t get a basket for HIS KID… who doesn’t live here and didn’t even come over on Easter…
While Avery was unloading her basket he was sleeping on the couch…
While Avery was opening Christmas presents he was in another room sitting on the couch drinking coffee….
At least I have some cute pictures of my girls in bunny ears…
Why can’t men just pretend to care about the holidays!!!
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This is probably obvious to you now that you’ve gotten all these great comments, but you are not alone.
We aren’t celebraters here either. Everything is so low key, someone watching would likely not even know that a celebration was taking place. Maybe because of the lack of, well, celebrating. LOL
I have a friend with five children who goes all out for every single little everything and I just have no idea where she gets the energy and focus to do all that stuff on top of the regular day to day everything. Makes me tired. LOL
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LOVE the picture – wasn’t expecting that!
You will find your own traditions slowly, don’t rush it. I’ve been married 14 years and just barely realize we have our own traditions like, umm – well I know we have some!
Just have fun with the kids, THEY are the ones who really create them for you!
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There was no real Easter for us this year. Peter’s birthday fell on the day, so we went out of town for the weekend for him. Alexa is too young to give a shit about baskets and candy. We did give her some plastic eggs to play with so I could take “holiday pictures” but other than that…no celebrating.
Peter’s family is hella Catholic, so any holiday that has Jesus involved is spent at the church. I’m not a fan, so we don’t participate. While they do a regular Xmas, they do go to midnight mass. We leave well before that time normally. They actually want us to come out to dinner for every stupid “celebration”. His parents freakin’ anniversary is something they invite us to. Don’t they want to spend that day alone? Yeah…I don’t invite them to ours
This year we told everyone ahead of time that we were spending Xmas day alone together. I think kids should stay home on holidays and hang with their family. If that means just chillin’ in their pj’s and eating crap all day…that’s a mighty fine tradition to me.
I see far too many of my friends schlepping their kids from one family member’s home to another, only to have zero time to enjoy the day themselves.
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I totally understand about stressing out over the holidays. There is so much hype about them and then when they’re finally over it’s like, well…that was anti-climactic. And the first birthday stress is so ridiculous! We did something really small, because it was too anxiety ridden otherwise!
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and why wasn’t i invited to your toga party? lol funny post!
oh and btw totally cute easter hat
I’m really terrible at keeping up with traditions – even the ones I plan to do. Like this year, I couldn’t find a whole bag of Easter goodies that I bought. It was mostly little and/or practical items like, ponytail holders, head bands, silly straws. The thing is that I didn’t even realize I’d forgotten them until several days later and it still took me a while to hunt them down. But in that time I did find some of the things I was going to give for Valentine’s Day – 2009!
I have some mommy issues but not in the same way as you. Mostly my family is close and we always get together for dinner to celebrate birthdays. This does make it easier to not feel like throwing a huge party for the kids.
However, as little as I do, my husband does less. I have to tell him very specifically what behavior I expect out of him during a celebration and remind him frequently or he’ll “forget”. Of course this applies to everyday situations as well. Gah!
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