For those who just clicked here only to see if the baby is already here – no. I’m still very pregnant and pissed most of the time. You are welcome.

Now back to regular broadcasting for the other three of you who have no life and actually read this.

This day was filled with all sorts of stupid, wrapped in hormones and 4-hours of sleep… but mostly stupid.

This will come as a great shock and disappointment to most of you I am sure, but about 3-4 times a week I feed my child processed sugar… in a form of a cookie, aka OOOOOOO-CKIEEEEE! It usually gets inhaled in less then 5 seconds, followed by very persistent, borderline harassing pestering for more, more, more please more! That is the only time I get to see a truly endless, everlasting, unconditional love for me in her eyes… provided I deliver the cookie, of course:

If I don’t… I get the equally loving expression of disapproval, followed by some threatening toddler babbling:

So I give in. Mostly out of fear for my life, of course… because one day she will figure out how to escape from the crib, open that knife drawer and deliver on her promises.

But today… I sort of gave her weekly dose of sugar in one sitting…

Press here before you continue reading—->

This brilliant move led to two hours of a complete and total meltdown right before her nap. For those who have never seen a meltdown of a toddler magnitude I bring you visual aids:

-I think you just put her to bed too abruptly – said my always helpful mother who has seen Leila for a total of 5 days.
-No, I just gave her too much sugar… (AND YOU’VE BEEN ROCKING HER TO SLEEP FOR THE PAST TWO DAYS!)

-Poor baby just wasn’t ready for bed…

-Yes… one poor baby she is.

I swear my pregnancy is making other people stupid too. This morning I dropped off my car for some routine maintenance. The customer service guy just couldn’t stop staring at my belly and saying things like:

-OMG! SO BIG! Congratulations! OMG! WOW… OMG! Really big!

Followed by a few standard assumptions:

-It’s a girl, I can tell! It is always so exciting with your first one!

-It’s a boy. And it’s my second pregnancy … but yes, very exciting. Thank you.

Now could you please press here —>

Two hours later I call him to see if my car is ready.

- Oh I remember you! Pregnant!

…

-Your car will be ready in about 20 minutes.

-Wonderful. See you soon.

Exactly twenty minutes later I was still at home waiting for my mother to come back from the pool so I could leave to pick up the car. The phone rings.

-Hi! I know I’ve already told you that, but twenty minutes have now passed and your car is ready!

-Thank you. I’m just waiting for my mom to come back home to watch the baby before I can leave. Should be there in 30 minutes or so.

YOU’VE ALREADY HAD A BABY?!?

… no.

30 minutes later at the dealership:

-Hi! Hahahaha! How funny was that I thought you’ve already had a baby, right?!

-Yes. Funny…

-Let me walk you to the cashier.

Then? I shit you not, he runs up to the cashier and yells:

-LET’S MAKE THIS A QUICK ONE BECAUSE HER WATER IS ABOUT TO BREAK!!!

Cashier:

-OMG! Really?!

The next thing I remember was a yellow crime tape and being questioned about a homicide. Well… almost. I had to stop by the groomers to pick up my cat first (the bastard sheds like it’s his job and shaving him is the only way to save my sanity…) We do it every three months or so and by now the checkout process is almost painless… but not today. Because TODAY was a perfect day for training a new receptionist! And under any other circumstances I would be extremely patient and understanding of people in training… but there has to be a legal limit of stupid questions a pregnant woman can be asked in one day.

It’s not a girl.

It’s not my first.

Yes, I am aware that pregnant women should not scoop cat’s poop.

Yes, I am excited.

No, my first one is still too young to understand that she is about to have a sibling.

No, we do not have a name picked out yet.

I would prefer you wouldn’t touch my belly, but thank you for asking first.

I pay. I sign the receipt. I’m looking at my watch.

The receptionist in training:

- Would you like me to bring your cat now?

Nah! Let’s have coffee and chat some more! OF COURSE I WANT MY CAT NOW!

But first, please press here—>