About a week ago I went to the hospital where I lost all my privacy and whatever little was left of my dignity. There are about a dozen of strangers who have now seen and touched my vagina, my ass and have repeatedly squeezed my boobs (to check for colostrum… allegedly). And that’s what it takes to have a baby in this country. A scheduled repeat cesarean section, to be exact. Natural birth is just not in my stars anymore and I am pretty sure I am ok with that… well, I was doing pretty well until they actually rolled me into the OR and I started shaking from terror and bad memories in general. That and you know when epidural injected into your back doesn’t work… and you kind of open your eyes looking for the light and the tunnel? That was even less fun than one would expect. Triple dose of epidural and one of morphine later my body finally went numb and other than feeling like a piece of meat during the actual operation it wasn’t too bad.
It was somewhat odd that at least five other people saw my baby before I did. My personal OBGYN that I have spent months researching and selecting wasn’t even there… because a week before my surgery she kindly informed me that my surgery day was not her scheduled day to work so Dr.Li would be performing my c-section.
1. Who is Dr.Li?
2. Why I am being told about this only 7 days before my surgery?
3. And why did I spend so much time specifically looking for the most fabulous OBGYN the world had to offer if Miss Marvelous was not even going to be there to begin with?
And as per her training on bedside manners Miss Marvelous has reassured me that Dr.Li was fantastic and very capable surgeon… completely ignoring my actual questions. I was way too furious and way too pregnant to push the issue any further… Just trying to look at the bright side of some intern chopping me up for a stew.
Well Dr.Li turned out great… in fact I might even switch and make her my permanent OBGYN since if I end up having any complications she will be the one who will know the most about my surgery anyway. Oh… and no, Miss Fabulous didn’t even bother to show up for a check up after I was moved to the Recovery Room. Was told is due to traffic and being short staffed in the other clinic. So I haven’t seen or spoken to her since a week before I gave birth. She clearly knows how to make her patients feel special.
I did like my anesthesiologist, Kevin. He reminded me one of those surfer dudes with his “totally cool” , “that’s awesome, man” and “I’m gonna shoot some good stuff into your spine, girl and you gonna looove me”… you know the kind of language that made me think he was shooting himself in between the surgeries. Kevin was the first to tell me:
- Hey, we just pulled out a two month old dude!
- And a hairy one! – added Dennis
- Congratulations!
And then… that moment when they finally bring your baby over to put him on your cheek… the moment when the heart-stopping, soul-gripping love just paralyzes you for life. The moment when you know all of it was worth it. The pain, the nine months of waiting, the last three months filled with sleepless nights, self -doubt, ridiculous medical bills and overpriced double-stroller… all of that just disappears and you just know… this is what you’ve been going towards to all your life, this is why you are here… – to have your babies, to grow old watching your babies bloom into defiant toddlers, door slamming teenagers and then hopefully great adults who will bring home lots of babies (hopefully not before they have hair in their armpits) and call you for help… because “Whoa! Mom, did you really go through all of this just to have us?”
Having a scheduled c-section was definitely less stressful and more organized than an emergency one. I’ve been incredibly lucky in both cases I was off the pain killers and fully walking by day seven. I will, however, always grieve a little when thinking about the natural birth. But mostly I’m overwhelmed with gratitude and constant amazement that they are here and I get to be their mother.
I no longer worry that I won’t be able to love this boy as much as I do Leila. Turns out… you don’t have to split your love – your heart just gets bigger.
My lap is full and so is my life.
Awesome! I love your recount, hilarious! And what a cute little fella you got out of it
Miss S´s last blog ..Sick!
So glad to hear that you found a way to fit the little guy into your heart
haha! Sorry your obgyn is such a flake, it’s one thing to miss the actual birth, quite another to not even check on youin the hospital in the days that followed.
I had 2 c-sections as well: the first after 20 hours of labor and a fever and spiked heart rate etc, and the second scheduled, much better. I actually don’t think feel like I missed out on the vaginal experience. I am tiny and I am fairly certain I would have had serious damage to the nether regions–tearing, incontinence etc. I would have done it, of course, if it had worked out that way, but it didn’t and I am not sorry.
Congratulations again, he is so cute and I love all the hair. I can’t wait to hear about Leila’s reaction/interactions with him.
Annje´s last blog ..Unexpected delights
Woman, you should have put a disclaimer on here that said: “MANDA! SKIP TO THE END!” as I am due for a scheduled c-section the first week of October. Oh well. Fingers crossed that my Amazing Handpicked Doctor doesn’t quit on me a week out and that my anesthesia works THIS TIME. AHHHHHHHH.
Manda´s last blog ..This bites literally
Natural birth isn’t all it’s cracked up to be anyway. Remember I met you 6 weeks after naturally delivering my 10lb 3oz giant baby boy and I was still in pain! I love all the pictures you post, wish I was as organized as you!
Congrats!!! and Good luck!
Melissa´s last blog ..the amusing randall k
Girl, grow that heart as big as you can. The picture is wonderful!
Hey, Leila is matching! or is that a one-piece? Do you like that carrier?? Looks like it’s working well!!
Fabulous post! Out of my four sections, #2 was THE best. I still remember it with great fondness.
I hope that you are healing up well and quickly!
Amber´s last blog ..Just babies
You just brought all those feeling back for me – thank you!
(3 scheduled c-sections myself)
jade´s last blog ..If I Could Do it Over Again…
Damn you woman, you made me cry. I know the grieving you speak of, the natural birth you desired. I lost mine too, as you know..emergency as well. It almost makes me want to do it again just to see if I could get it right this time
I love you and your family. I’m so very happy for you all.
wow, goddddammn this system and goddammn that MF for the bait and switch and GDmit I’m glad you are safe and yes of course that’s part of the point but it’s crap how they cut into us and expect our compliance and to accept their story that we have to do it this way.
In other news, what a beautiful boy. And thanks for your beautiful words about the extra room in the heart dept. I’m excited to hear more.
Janefilm´s last blog ..Sunshine Cleaning
Congratulations!!!!!! Alll the pain in the ass aside, your last line makes me get all Aww-faced.
Yay for you! And what a sweet photo of the three of you. Isn’t it a blessing, to be buried under children? (She says, as she types with one child hugging her neck, another on her lap and a third with her chin resting on her left arm…)
You know, I feel like “your” doctor never shows up for the birth. What the hell? It’s crazy. I mean you do all this research selecting a provider, and then they just happen to have something else to do the day you give birth.
Anyway congratulations! Liam is beautiful and so are you!
Old School/ New School Mom´s last blog ..What Ari Does at My Midwife Appointments
Wonderful birth story. Congratulations again.
congrats! my second was a schedule c-section due to some awful complications post-vagina birth of my first. it’s kinda surreal to know what day your baby will arrive. and the epidural SUCKS to get. (although i didnt have the difficulties it sounds like you had)
that’s terrible that your doctor didn’t honor her commit to you as a patient. It really IRRITATES me. i wish you lived in my city because i would’ve totally suggested my ob.
but i love your picture and many many congrats!
Alex@LateEnough´s last blog ..I Ask- Why Can’t My Cats And Dog Form A Peaceful Drumming Circle Of Love
Congratulations! He is just precious – and me oh my – that hair! Can he spare some? My goodness.
Lindsay´s last blog ..Gma & Gpa’s Visit
congratulations! you guys look so complete and perfect!