I feel like I am about to come out of some sort of breastfeeding closet…
I abhor and loath breastfeeding.
This does not mean that I am against breastfeeding, or that I don’t recommend it, nor does it mean that I will stop breastfeeding myself. It’s just how I feel… and I wish I didn’t. I’ve struggled a lot with breastfeeding when Leila was born and about three months into it I gave up. I did have about a million reasons/excuses for why I gave up so early, but none of them are true this time around.
Liam latched on from day one like he’s been waiting for that boob all his life. It was a textbook latch. He is gaining weight and eating every two hours for about 15 to 30 minutes at a time – nothing earth shattering… just your typical baby feeding schedule. Technically… absolutely nothing is wrong. I don’t understand how something so natural can feel… so incredibly aggravating, burdensome, tedious and just all around unpleasant… to me. I was trying really hard to come up with at least one aspect of breastfeeding that I like and I just couldn’t. I don’t like how it feels, I have no urge to “lovingly gaze into my baby’s eyes” (they are kind of closed anyway…), I sweat Niagara Falls during the whole process and most importantly I hate that I have to partially expose my body (even at home)… yeah, I know that last one is a real doozy. I don’t know why either. I try to use a nursing cover, but it’s a bit awkward to use it at home, no? I make no sense? It’s ok, there is a very good chance that I won’t even remember typing this, but it’s even worse in my head… Where am I anyway?
Dennis asked if I enjoy not having to make bottles for the baby…. and the truth is I would take bottles over breastfeeding any day of the week. I desperately want to like it… but not hating it would be a progress too. I am hoping that in a couple of months it will become a second nature and more automatic. For now, I take it one feeding at a time, I pump as much as I can and try to distract myself during the feedings…
It’s darkest before the dawn, right?
Girl, I have no idea what it means to be breastfeeding. But I have heard so many mind-blowing stories about the horrors of breastfeeding, that I really feel for you. Do what’s best for you.
I hope this passes for you as you said you wanted to breastfeed, right? Hang in there!
I hated it too.
For all the reasons you listed and also because I couldn’t wear a dress because you practically have to disrobe and my shirts were always all stretched out. I did it for 5 week solid then intro’ed formula and phases out the boob by the time P was 4 months old.
I feel ya.
Do what feels right. A happy mommy is truly the backbone of a happy family.
Can I tell you something? I’m going to because you have no choice, it’s my comment! MWAHAHA! Anyway, I found nursing really challenging in the beginning and it wasn’t awesome. But as Ari got bigger it became easier. I had a rough time starting though for sure!
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i’m one of those this-is-awesome people. BUT- that doesn’t mean i don’t get what you’re saying. you don’t have to love it and it doesn’t make you weird or wrong. there are huge parts of it that can suck. really suck. and sometimes it’s not so much that it’s awful but that it’s… annoying.
i’m sorry you hate it. maybe it will get easier, i really truly hope it does. either way, you need to be happy and not dread feeding the little cute-o.
the grumbles´s last blog ..just once- for good measure
I did enjoy breastfeeding, but I did not realize beforehand that my ENTIRE life would revolve around it. There were times when I really resented that. And, my daughter would not take a bottle. Of anything. She would only take the breast. So, for almost a year I was literally tied to her. Could not leave her for more than a few hours, and hubby and I could not go out at night. All that being said, I am glad I did it. And I do actually miss it from time to time. LOL As ready as I was to be done with it. How’s that for weird?
Breastfeeding is HARD. And there is nothing wrong with you for not finding it to be some magical experience. You’re doing great to even try it with your second after your first experience. And any amount you breastfeed is fantastic. All moms who attempt it deserve a medal in my opinion. And if it doesn’t work, there is simply nothing wrong with that. I was formula fed, and as far as I am concerned, I turned out just fine! Do what you feel is best for both of you. Your baby will be OK either way.
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Good for you for sticking with it. I lasted about 4 weeks w my son & then introduced formula. There were several reasons it didn’t work for me, I didn’t quit “just because.” I felt a little ashamed that I hated it so much because everyone talked about it being the most incredible bonding experience & yada yada. My son & I have a great bond & it didn’t come from him being attached to my boob for 12 months. I’m very happy for women who love it & who breastfeeding works for. I am just not one of them.
As for the future, I don’t know that I’ll automatically write off breastfeeding. I may give it another go, but if I feel the way I did the first time, I won’t let myself be pressured into doing something that makes me uncomfortable.
God I remember those days. I really wasn’t a fan either and with my oldest I did it for 18 months. Watch TV? Something that will distract you? The thing is nursing is completely boring. Or how about pumping? I found it faster to pump, then bottle feed sometimes. One of my kids was notorious for nursing, then unlatching and looking around, then latching on again, then looking around. Jeebus! Just eat your food. This isn’t a buffet! Hugs. It gets better and this is a brief moment in time. Embrace your tatas.
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I SO know what you mean. Really. Burdensome is an understatement, and once again here is where more mommy guilt comes in. Both girls had to be supplemented w/ formula because “I wasn’t producing enough” but sometimes I wonder if subconsciously I just wasn’t trying enough. I stopped at 6 weeks with Sam because of work, now I don’t have that excuse. Becca probably get’s 70:30 breastmilk to formula, which is still good, but the majority of it comes from a bottle. I pump all day because it’s easier and quicker and more “efficient”, she plays around on the boob but focuses on a bottle. If I listen to the breastfeeding nazi’s I start to feel awful, so I try to block it out.
I feel your pain tho.
Also, I know you didn’t mention it, but trying to breast feed while your toddler is going bananas? THE.WORST. Cue the circus music.
Biz´s last blog ..All tucked in
Oh my gosh…how refreshing. Someone who ISN’T farting rainbows over breastfeeding.
I wanted to breastfeed, and I even liked it. Quite a lot, actually. My son, however, had other ideas. He has never been a good eater, but when he was on the boob, it was boobmageddon EVERY TIME I offered him the breast. The screaming was pretty hard to take, and it got to the point where he didn’t want me to hold him, just in case I might feed him.
Lactose intolerance. Otherwise known as “youdidn’ttryhardenough”…depending on who you ask.
Good luck, sweetie. I hear it gets much better.
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I TOTALLY hear you!! I hated breastfeeding my oldest daughter (I made it to 5 months but the last 2 were basically just pumping, which was less horrible for me – slightly). I’m pumping exclusively for my 4 month old now and I still hate it. I tried nursing for about 2 weeks and when everything went exactly the same this time around, I decided to just pump and skip the frustration of questionable latches, not getting enough milk after 45 minutes of nursing, and feeling weird about exposing myself (yes, in my own house weirded me out too – forget about public places!). I’m keeping it up for now because a.) I feel like I owe it to my youngest daughter to get her to at least the same point I did with my oldest, and b.) it helps with weight loss (this is honestly probably the biggest motivator – how sad is that???). Good for you for sticking with it as long as you feel it’s the right thing to do (and for deciding when it’s not the best thing anymore).
Hopefully this will make you feel better…
I work in restaurants. There are no breakrooms. I have an office with cameras. I asked my boss what he suggested I do when I needed to pump. He said, “bring an umbrella.” To this day I have no idea how many people have seen me on camera pumping. Awesome since it’s realtime online and since the office in all of my restaurants are high traffic with all of my managers. Nothing like someone walking into the surprise of me pumping.
My solution: I decided to pump and drive. While I drove from one restaurant to another, I would pump. Seems like a great idea. Pretty much private except when you pull up to a light and there is a giant truck next to you with a dude looking down at you wondering wtf kind of contraption I have working under my shirt. Let’s not even talk about getting pulled over. Or, when you think it’s all going great and then you start to feel something wet and realize all of the pumped milk on one side is actually leaking out of the shield. Nothing like walking into work with a giant milk spot on one side. We all know what it looks like when it dries. It’s not like water.
Hang in there!
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I hated it too. I wanted to love it. But I didn’t.
DS1 didn’t want to breastfeed. He got his tiny (okay, not tiny; he was over 9 lbs at birth) newborn hands up there between his face and my boob and PUSHED for the first week. He loved his bottles of formula though!
DS2 went a little longer; he was a champion nurser at birth. But then we moved. Into my parents’ place with a boarder and my brother living there. And DS1 was a curious 16 month old and I spent hours strapped to a chair nursing and trying to persuade him not to touch gramma’s stuff. And stay covered up because any of 3 (or 100) strange men could wander through the room at any time. I quit at 3 months.
The last 2 were much better. I didn’t necessarily like it more, but I didn’t hate it. By number 4, we got to 14 months.
And considering how it started with DS1, 14 months is a MIRACLE to me.
I have to say though, while I understand breastfeeding is all wonderful and healthy and studies say it’s the bee’s knees…my formula fed babies were WAY better sleepers, and healthier children overall for the first few years of their lives.
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Oh man, I totally feel you on this. I’m dreading breastfeeding more than childbirth. The worst part about it is that the official mom party line is that breastfeeding is super-awesome and yay! we all love gazing into our babies eyes as they magically melt the baby weight off of you. When the reality is that, at least for me, it did nothing for weight loss and it was hard to gaze lovingly when I was in searing pain. And I f%$king hate nursing bras and always having to wear something I can yank my boob out of.
BUT! I can say I did grow to hate it less as my first got older. It became pretty bearable by the time she started dabbling in solids. So, um, hang in there for the next five months?
JJ Keith´s last blog ..Wordless Wednesday- Why Feminism Is Still Relevant Edition
You already know my feelings on the subject. I loved the ability to do it, but didn’t really love the action. It was hard as hell, and I can only imagine what you’re going through. It’s tough enough when you’re alone with your only child…but to have a second newborn while your first is in need of constant attention. I just wouldn’t be able to do it, I don’t think. I would take the mind numbing boredom (I mean I had the internet to read at least) over trying to wrangle one kid while feeding the other. ((HUGS))
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I hated it too the first three weeks, and almost gave up trying, but then it all started being just fine. I can’t say I ever loved it, but I did love the convenience. Pumping was the worst though, and if you can give that up, I highly suggest it.
Lady, you’re a trooper! I gave up at 6 weeks, between post-pre-eclampsia exhaustion and serious anemia and a teeny wee baby (5 lbs) who wanted nothing to do with eating. Oh, and the ridiculous pain, the awkwardness of whipping out a boob in front of my visitors, and the horrible, hideous pump (hearing that noise still gives me PTSD flashbacks!!) Oh, and did I mention the pain?! Don’t push yourself farther than you can reasonably go. Happy mommy = happy baby. Liam will be just fine if he has formula. I know this post won’t persuade you to stop, but just wanted you to know there are those out there in the world who will support you doing what is best for YOU, because ultimately that is what is best for your baby. One rule of good parenting is take care of yourself first. Breastfeeding is hard, and I think it’s always been hard, which is why the infant mortality rate seriously dropped with the introduction of formula. Don’t let people make you feel you are somehow “less than” if you can’t/don’t want to master it and also love it. Lots of hugs!
I didn’t like it either – for all the reasons you mentioned. Plus, it didn’t work wel for us (I didn’t produce near enough milk). So after a few months, we switched to formula. It was a HUGE weight and burden off my shoulders. I was fine mixing the bottles (however, I did not enjoy the expense of the formula). If and when we have another child, I will try the breastfeeding thing for a while. It probably won’t work again, and when it doesn’t I am just going to throw in the towel. I’m not going to push myself to make it work. I’m not going to guilt myself into it. It’s easier just to give in (for me) than try and make it work.
Good luck though – if it’s working, then I suppose it is worth the effort and dislike (maybe).
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Oh Daiva I just love your posts. You are such a true Mom, a real Mom, and by far the funniest Mom I know. After reading this post I felt like I was looking into a mirror. Nolan was the same way. Perfect latcher from the beginning. Loved to feed but I on the other hand hated it. I felt like I was a prisoner to nursing for the first month. It did get easier but then I had to go back to work. I lasted 3 months. 3 looooooonnnnnnnnnnnngggggggg months. I was proud of myself for lasting 3 months since I never ever felt the motherly urge to nurse nor did I want to. After going back to work I did give myself a hard time for not doing it longer. For not putting that effort into once I went back to work. For months I thought “Should I have done it longer, why didn’t I do it longer”. “My coworker stuck it out for 9 months, why didn’t I.” I felt like I had let Nolan down but now looking at him he turned out just fine and has no recollection that I even quit after 3 months. Hey just think it’s almost been a month. The first month is the most crucial. Give yourself a pat on the back, have a martini and sit back and enjoy that little man with all his black hair
.
There are no rules to feeding your baby so if you don’t want to breastfeed then don’t. I do have to say it got much easier the older my kids got. You have to do what feels right for you not any one else. You are one of the best moms I know so please don’t beat yourself up about this.
I’m a skinflint, so I breastfed because it saved a bundle AND because I hated the thought of making (or heating) bottles at 2 a.m.
Breastfeeding was already. Nice, when DH was around to take the older kids so I could focus on the baby and the breast. Difficult when he wasn’t around, and the other kids were dancing around my boob and a distracted baby. Boring much of the time.
Good luck finding some philosophical survival zone on the breastfeeding front!
Really though, what’s not to love about a squirmy sweaty little being clamped on to your cracked and bleeding nipple like it didn’t just eat 15 minutes ago?
I am in the “I know it’s good for my baby blah blah suck it up and do it” dept. when it comes to nursing. And it is primal and natural and all that. More blah blah.
But please do not feel a shred of guilt for not loving it. Hello? I don’t love getting up at 4am to put the sheet back over Maddy’s legs every single freaking night, but this is the kind of crap we do as mothers. Things we don’t really want to. Bloody and sleep deprived. I love you.
I didn’t hate breastfeeding, but I certainly didn’t like it. At all. It was messy, inconvenient (thought everyone raves about how convenient it is I have to disagree entirely), and an overall pain in the ass. I did every once in a while have those sweet moments, after five months (five!) when it finally got easier, but I hated that my body was not my own. That I couldn’t sleep on my stomach. That I could put a pencil under my once tiny, perky, beautifully shaped breasts and it would stay there. That I leaked ALL THE TIME, filling up four or five breastpads a day. That I always smelled vaguely of lunchmeat (I know, weird, right?). I wanted to go for a year, but only lasted eight months. Never has a decision given me so much relief!
I don’t regret it, obviously. But I’m not looking forward to doing it again!
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