» sleep

Sleep is for the Weak and People with no Kids

mrsnotouching — Fri, 03 Sep 2010 17:24:58 +0000

I gave birth to the world’s worst sleeper… and then? I did it again. So all of you who told me that my second one will FOR SURE be a good sleeper, because the universe is never THAT cruel… you? You will burn in hell for all your lies! Right next to all those bastards who said that breastfeeding burns calories.

And before you all go… but, Daiva?! Newborns are supposed to wake up frequently so they could eat and grow up to be food-throwing, hair-pulling, kitten killers!

Duh! I know THAT. The problem is that Liam will mostly sleep for about an hour and a half… ok, two hours if it’s a holiday, but then he stays completely awake and completely annoyed with life for hours at a time. Especially if it is two in the morning… because then he can just pass out around 5am, which also happens to be the time when his lovely sister rings a bell for her breakfast in bed and the entertainment crew, aka. MAAAA-MAAAA! UP-AH, UP-AH! And as a well train Pavlov dog I bring her milk and carry her highness downstairs. At which point I make my signature mommy of two-under-two champion breakfast -> Special K with diet RedBull (try it… you’ll thank me later), turn on my autopilot and truck along till about noon until Leila goes down for her nap and my mom takes over Liam so I get to take a break. Lucky… I know. The problem is that my mother will be leaving in two weeks and then? I am royally screwed. And as much as I care to maintain my image (that I spent years establishing through this blog and my life-altering status updates on Facebook) let’s be honest… unless I start sprinkling cocaine on my mornings doughnuts I won’t last a day.

This is all temporary. I get it. I am not panicking. I am almost not even complaining… It’s just that this temporary stage lasted for about a year with Leila, so all I could do right now is prepare for the worst and hope for… a little less worse. As much as I hate to say this I think I see a part-time daycare in Leila’s future. Unless, of course… Liam pulls his act together and starts sleeping through the night, changing his own diapers and putting his sister down for her naps. I say it’s the least he could do for a woman who gave him life, no?

The Early Bird Conspiracy Uncovered!

mrsnotouching — Tue, 18 May 2010 03:10:44 +0000

You know that early bird theory? Turns out… it’s a total bullshit. Leila has always been on what we call “a chicken schedule” – goes to bed and raises with the sun… just like chickens… except that after the time change it’s more like we GREET the sun… while eating lunch.

I’ve been all sorts of tired before – sleeping in two-hour increments with the newborn for almost a year… is a clear winner, but NONE of that can compare to how absolutely and totally exhausted I feel at the moment. It’s not just in the evenings anymore… I think it is safe to say that I am tired 24-hours a day. I almost murdered the barista at Starbucks when she looked at my former six-pack area and said: you mean decaf, right? I immediately reached across the counter, grabbed her hair and banged her head against the open register. Twice. Then politely clarified that even though it is clearly very confusing… an EXTRA shot of espresso actually means ANOTHER shot of caffeine in ADDITION to the one that already comes with my drink.

In case you are one of those who gets to roll around in your bed till lunch time (aka 9am) THIS is what 5am looks like:

Except it’s darker… and colder… and comes with a pounding headache. And look closer… there is NO WORM either… go back to bed you, stupid bird!

It has to stop. I can embrace the fact that I gave birth to a morning person, but 5am? Even chickens would be pissed to wake up that early! We have been pushing her bed time little by little from 5:30pm – 6pm to 7-ish pm… It sort of works… Now the morning “screamage” starts anytime between 5:30am and 6am. I would leave her in there longer, but then I would have to reassemble the crib… which requires energy and some sort of brain function. I can’t seem to go past 7pm without having to deal with a major meltdown… you know the one where I drop on the floor from exhaustion and scream until I notice that nobody really cares.

I am so desperate I am going to try that new thing… the one where I go to be early.

P.S. Re: giveaway – the winner of the lovely nursing tank from GlamourMoms is… JJ Keith from http://www.jjustkidding.com/! Thanks for playing everyone!

Obey the Baby

mrsnotouching — Fri, 08 Jan 2010 03:28:47 +0000

Leila has switched to one nap. ONE. She is only 10 months (well… almost) and has gone all toddler on me. Oh I’ve tried…. I was all – you WILL be sleeping or else! And she was all – WATCH ME, WOMAN! Fast forward seven days later she is taking one nap ONLY. And that’s how I roll. I am THAT parent. I give in, I can’t force it… and convince myself that when it really matters I will be able to suddenly turn in an authoritative parent… whom am I kidding? Me thinks… not very many.

And remember my virtual victory dance for sleeping through the night? Yeah… about that… I enjoyed every second of those five minutes that it lasted. As soon as she got sick the sleeping schedule went out like it’s a Friday night, got drunk and is still missing. She is now waking up again at least once per night. Well… that’s not so bad, you say. You surely don’t feed her, right? Right? Please tell us you don’t feed her?!…. Why yes I do! (stop shaking your head – it’s not working) I can explain… if she goes to bed at 6pm and wakes up at 3am crying… I think it is safe to assume she is hungry, no? I know that some scientist (a bunch of childless single dudes, I am sure) have written dissertations on how children over the age of 6 months don’t really need to eat at night blah blah blah. I know better, but I can’t do better. Once again I give in and adjust to baby’s schedule. Once again I dodge the conversation with Dennis about letting her cry-it-out… I would but I would rather stick a fork in my eye than listen to her cry. Not now. Not yet.

Have I mentioned she is sleeping through the night?

mrsnotouching — Wed, 02 Dec 2009 03:44:39 +0000

Guess whose badass baby slept through the night? MINE! It happened. At eight months and three weeks Leila started sleeping through the night (as in 6pm -5am). So if you are lucky you might not have to read another sleep deprived wimpy post from me about how I have tried this and that, and how I have read this book and that book, and how NOTHING is working and how I am not ready to do the Cry-It-Out and blah blah blah….! No more! I WON! HEAR ME ROAR! Seriously, though… I have an unstoppable urge to roar (will forward that to my therapist). Now I cannot wait until the next stranger will ask me with that pitiful look and a supportive tilt of the head:

“so… is she sleeping through the night yet…?”

“Oh yeah…. like a freaking teenager! So in YOUR FACE, stranger! And straighten that neck, will ya?”

And then? I will walk away doing the “my baby is sleeping through the night” dance. Which looks exactly like this:

www.youtube.com/watch?v=RNDJX3Ago8Q

Who knows how long it will last but I will enjoy every minute of it… until tonight probably, because we all know what happens to all the good things after I brag about them on the Internet… But it’s been five nights in a row and I can’t keep it in any longer. The WORLD needs to know. I am so drunk with excitement I am about to throw a parade in honor of my 8 solid hours of sleep. Then I am going to roll out that health care reform and get the whole Afghanistan situation sorted once and for all…

Lights Out!