I feel like I am about to come out of some sort of breastfeeding closet…
I abhor and loath breastfeeding.
This does not mean that I am against breastfeeding, or that I don’t recommend it, nor does it mean that I will stop breastfeeding myself. It’s just how I feel… and I wish I didn’t. I’ve struggled a lot with breastfeeding when Leila was born and about three months into it I gave up. I did have about a million reasons/excuses for why I gave up so early, but none of them are true this time around.
Liam latched on from day one like he’s been waiting for that boob all his life. It was a textbook latch. He is gaining weight and eating every two hours for about 15 to 30 minutes at a time – nothing earth shattering… just your typical baby feeding schedule. Technically… absolutely nothing is wrong. I don’t understand how something so natural can feel… so incredibly aggravating, burdensome, tedious and just all around unpleasant… to me. I was trying really hard to come up with at least one aspect of breastfeeding that I like and I just couldn’t. I don’t like how it feels, I have no urge to “lovingly gaze into my baby’s eyes” (they are kind of closed anyway…), I sweat Niagara Falls during the whole process and most importantly I hate that I have to partially expose my body (even at home)… yeah, I know that last one is a real doozy. I don’t know why either. I try to use a nursing cover, but it’s a bit awkward to use it at home, no? I make no sense? It’s ok, there is a very good chance that I won’t even remember typing this, but it’s even worse in my head… Where am I anyway?
Dennis asked if I enjoy not having to make bottles for the baby…. and the truth is I would take bottles over breastfeeding any day of the week. I desperately want to like it… but not hating it would be a progress too. I am hoping that in a couple of months it will become a second nature and more automatic. For now, I take it one feeding at a time, I pump as much as I can and try to distract myself during the feedings…
It’s darkest before the dawn, right?








