About a week ago I went to the hospital where I lost all my privacy and whatever little was left of my dignity. There are about a dozen of strangers who have now seen and touched my vagina, my ass and have repeatedly squeezed my boobs (to check for colostrum… allegedly). And that’s what it takes to have a baby in this country. A scheduled repeat cesarean section, to be exact. Natural birth is just not in my stars anymore and I am pretty sure I am ok with that… well, I was doing pretty well until they actually rolled me into the OR and I started shaking from terror and bad memories in general. That and you know when epidural injected into your back doesn’t work… and you kind of open your eyes looking for the light and the tunnel? That was even less fun than one would expect. Triple dose of epidural and one of morphine later my body finally went numb and other than feeling like a piece of meat during the actual operation it wasn’t too bad.
It was somewhat odd that at least five other people saw my baby before I did. My personal OBGYN that I have spent months researching and selecting wasn’t even there… because a week before my surgery she kindly informed me that my surgery day was not her scheduled day to work so Dr.Li would be performing my c-section.
1. Who is Dr.Li?
2. Why I am being told about this only 7 days before my surgery?
3. And why did I spend so much time specifically looking for the most fabulous OBGYN the world had to offer if Miss Marvelous was not even going to be there to begin with?
And as per her training on bedside manners Miss Marvelous has reassured me that Dr.Li was fantastic and very capable surgeon… completely ignoring my actual questions. I was way too furious and way too pregnant to push the issue any further… Just trying to look at the bright side of some intern chopping me up for a stew.
Well Dr.Li turned out great… in fact I might even switch and make her my permanent OBGYN since if I end up having any complications she will be the one who will know the most about my surgery anyway. Oh… and no, Miss Fabulous didn’t even bother to show up for a check up after I was moved to the Recovery Room. Was told is due to traffic and being short staffed in the other clinic. So I haven’t seen or spoken to her since a week before I gave birth. She clearly knows how to make her patients feel special.
I did like my anesthesiologist, Kevin. He reminded me one of those surfer dudes with his “totally cool” , “that’s awesome, man” and “I’m gonna shoot some good stuff into your spine, girl and you gonna looove me”… you know the kind of language that made me think he was shooting himself in between the surgeries. Kevin was the first to tell me:
- Hey, we just pulled out a two month old dude!
- And a hairy one! – added Dennis
- Congratulations!
And then… that moment when they finally bring your baby over to put him on your cheek… the moment when the heart-stopping, soul-gripping love just paralyzes you for life. The moment when you know all of it was worth it. The pain, the nine months of waiting, the last three months filled with sleepless nights, self -doubt, ridiculous medical bills and overpriced double-stroller… all of that just disappears and you just know… this is what you’ve been going towards to all your life, this is why you are here… – to have your babies, to grow old watching your babies bloom into defiant toddlers, door slamming teenagers and then hopefully great adults who will bring home lots of babies (hopefully not before they have hair in their armpits) and call you for help… because “Whoa! Mom, did you really go through all of this just to have us?”
Having a scheduled c-section was definitely less stressful and more organized than an emergency one. I’ve been incredibly lucky in both cases I was off the pain killers and fully walking by day seven. I will, however, always grieve a little when thinking about the natural birth. But mostly I’m overwhelmed with gratitude and constant amazement that they are here and I get to be their mother.
I no longer worry that I won’t be able to love this boy as much as I do Leila. Turns out… you don’t have to split your love – your heart just gets bigger.
My lap is full and so is my life.
