During the next two weeks there were moments when I was pretty sure I was dying, but having those extreme withdrawals just made me realize how powerful the drug was. The worse I felt the more I wanted it out of my system. I flushed the remainder of the pills down the toilet – I didn’t trust myself. Withdrawals felt like torture… I was starting to miss being depressed.
It took about three weeks before I felt confident that what I saw in front of me actually existed. By week five both headaches and nightmares have stopped. I started and still continue taking my vitamin cocktail. I try to exercise and Dennis helps with night feedings so I could get more sleep. I went to a couple of therapy sessions with a different shrink but eventually I stopped that too. Nothing she said was comforting and most of it I’ve already heard before. I wasn’t sure if I could do it by myself, but I honestly felt I was my only hope.
The progress was slow and almost unnoticeable – just putting one leg in front of the other and trying not to look ahead… I was afraid I won’t see the finish. At this moment when I’m typing this I feel like I’ve escaped. This time… You know that tingling you get in your arms when you barely avoided what could have been a terrible accident? Yes, that.
I’ve been feeling pretty strong and stable for a few months now. I don’t know if it was due to the exercise and vitamins or if it just went away naturally… What I did was neither profound or insane, I just did what felt right for me at that particular moment.
(Now is probably a good time to insert a disclaimer about how I am not a doctor and you shouldn’t try this at home…)
The other day we rented ”How to Train Your Dragon” (which is probably not the best movie for a two year old, but she is really into all things slimy and gross). And it got me thinking that depression is my dragon, my inner monster, the beasts that I need to learn to live with. I don’t look at it as good or bad (anymore) – it’s just another dimension of who I am.
Today I feel stronger and healthier than ever. Fingers crossed it lasts.
