I’ve been feeling strange lately… At first I thought these were just random insomnia induced thoughts that will go away in a day or two, but weeks later they are still here. Still nagging and not letting me move on with my life. So like any normal person I decided to write it all down in my private little diary… that just happens to be on the World Wide Web.

I don’t think I want to be a stay-at-home-mom anymore. Not full time, anyway. It feels so strange admitting this to myself… I haven’t even figured out how I feel about this. A little bit guilty, a little bit relieved and a lot anxious… I think. Maybe I just need a break, a vacation… some sort of getaway? Nothing is wrong and I don’t hate it, but I feel like I am either really done … or just insanely depressed. How am I supposed to know?

When I have a rough day I do have an option to take both kids to daycare (at least for a couple of hours) and they love it there. I do go out with my girlfriends at least once a month and I interact with adults almost every single day… and by interact I mean speak in a way that doesn’t require a log-in or a nickname… I have a hobby. I mean what else is missing? Why does it suddenly feel so empty and numbing?

I keep thinking is this it? Is this the peak of my life and everything from now on will be “been-there-done-that”? Sort of like I got tired of traveling , because after a while even when we went to new places we kept saying “that’s nice, reminds me of Paris” or “if I didn’t know any better I would say we were back in New York, no?”… it was all new and yet somehow the same. That’s when I knew I was done traveling. Granted, most of the traveling we did was not by choice – it was always either work or other necessary obligations (long story for some other time) still, in the beginning it was exciting… but I remember the day when I suddenly had an urge to just BE at home (wherever that was at that time), go to my same old grocery store, buy my same old milk and wine. I wasn’t jealous of other people’s traveling plans or vacation photos. It all looked familiar, unexciting and somewhat used… just like staying at home feels now. Not that I expected staying home to be some sort of the exhilarating circus performance (even though some days it comes pretty close), but I just don’t get the same amount of satisfaction out of doing things I’ve been doing for the past two years. I catch my self daydreaming and mentally checking out more than I care to admit.

The kids are doing great – they are thriving, crawling, talking, jumping out of the cribs and so far neither one of them have been arrested. I did well.

The funny thing is that I also need to go back to work. I am just slightly (and somewhat unpleasantly) surprised that I actually don’t mind that our “stay-home-with-babies” funds are about to be completely wiped out. I am so glad I had the opportunity to stay home with Leila and Liam for as long as I did – the memories of those first days will stay with me for life! Just that I always thought when time came to go back to work I will be crushed… or at least really sad. Instead, I feel guilty for slightly looking forward to it. And scared… scared that after I do find a job (let’s face it – this easily can take another year…) and leave for my first day at work, my heart will die because of how much I will miss them.

On the other hand I keep thinking why do I even bother planing and worrying about something I have so little control over? I surely didn’t plan to move ten thousand miles away from home, graduate from college, get married, have kids, quit my job, start a blog and stay home for two years… yet, it all turned out pretty great.